The Art of Communication

Communication is harder than many people think. Since the strength of a relationship is based on connection between people, communication is often underestimated as well. It is a skill that must be practiced over and over. Even when making casual conversation, there is opportunity to strengthen relationships by reflecting the interests of another. One’s words can also strain relationships when they stir up emotions. The intent of one’s message may be lost leaving both parties feeling misunderstood. What are the ingredients to resolving relationship issues that apply to spouses, parents, children, friends and coworkers? Three main necessities include Understanding, Showing concern, and Agreements.  

One must be calm and focused to use these tools. Otherwise one’s brain, flooded with adrenaline, does not cooperate. Adrenaline usually produces the opposite effect of these tools. On the contrary, when relaxed, usually taking turns talking without interruptions work well. Take time with this. One can always express his or her view later. Technically, one does not have to prove oneself or convince someone to be valid.

U nderstanding
To show understanding one cannot assume he or she understands the other. One cannot also assume the other is wrong. People tend to repeat themselves, argue, or criticize unless they feel understood. To make sense of what someone is saying does not mean you agree, feel the same, or would do the same as someone else in a given situation. To understand, instead, accomplishes the purpose of communication: to make sense to someone else. People who feel better or closer after a discussion usually feel connected rather than corrected. A couple of guidelines can greatly reduce adrenaline-fused verbal spars. When showing understanding, focus on the following:
Fouls – avoid insults and topic-hopping.
Feelings – what one is feeling is more important than “facts.”
Future – what one is wanting now is more important than what happened in the past.

S howing concern
Demonstrating that one cares is an essential ingredient in satisfying relationships. If one is in a relationship but no longer cares, perhaps one is dwelling on the negative, or there is a lack of common goals. There are a number of ways to show you care not only about a person, but also about their statements.
Talk – tell the person how much you appreciate them or what they feel.
Time – spend time doing something enjoyable together.
Touch – affection can say a lot more than words when done appropriately.
Tasks – whatever you do for another that’s not expected but appreciated.
Tokens – notes, small gifts or offering to get someone a drink.

A greements
Even though one may not agree about the past or about a given topic, one can make agreements for the future. Adhering to agreements yield trust, commitment, and even passion. For kids or employees, adhering to responsibilities yield certain freedoms. The following considerations can increase the chance of success, even if one has to go back to the drawing board.
Optimism – agreements should not bring future resentments.
Options – commit to find options that will work for both parties.
Outcomes – (not threats) that are understood if agreements are not kept.

For many, “I” statements are recommended to be used to communicate. For example, “I feel ______ when ______.” To connect and strengthen the relationship, try an experiment using “You” statements. For example, “You are feeling or thinking ______ and wishing for ______.” Instead of saying, “I understand,” or repeating what another is saying, show understanding with your words. Check with the person or look for signs that they feel understood. Instead of using “you” statements to criticize, condemn, or complain, see what happens when one makes comments showing interest in another’s views, whether they are wrong or right, over time. Even though you may not agree, you can make agreements.

Listen
When I ask you to listen to me
And you start giving advice
You have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me
And you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way
You are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me
And you feel you have to do something to solve my problems
You have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I ask is that you listen
Not talk or do - just hear me.
Advice is cheap: the world wide web is full of free advice.
And I can do for myself. I'm not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel,
No matter how irrational, then I stop trying to convince you,
And can get about the business of understanding what's behind this irrational feeling.

And when that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don't need advice.
So please listen and just hear me, and if you want to talk,
Wait a minute for your turn, and I'll listen to you.
Anonymous