Money and marriage

Even when economic woes abate, money issues spark ongoing stress and arguments in families, and the topic remains a popular request for consultation. This newsletter offers a recent article on the topic, and some resources listed below for follow-up.

One suggestion to recover from debt is to list your debts from the smallest amount owed to the largest.

Add the minimum payments required each month.

Add a hundred or two hundred to this amount. (If you cannot find an extra hundred to add to this amount, recovery from debt may not be possible without help).

The money for the minimum payments plus the extra hundred or two is the amount to be used to pay down your debt. Start by paying the minimum balance on each plus the hundred or two on the smallest debt.

When the smallest debt is paid, take the minimum payment, plus the extra hundred or two, and add that to the minimum payment of the next smallest debt.

Proceed accordingly paying the same amount toward your debt each month regardless of the number of debts owed.

We hope you can find something helpful in these resources. You are always welcome to call if this is an issue weighing on you personally or in your marriage.

With effort, marriages can withstand pressures of poor economic times

By JENN WIANT - jwiant@nwherald.com
Mel and Bobette Von Bergen have faced some hard economic times.

As farmers, the Hebron couple's livelihood is at the mercy of the weather and the market.

From 2001 to 2006, times were especially tough because corn and soybean prices were down, but the costs for necessities such as fertilizer were up.

But the Von Bergens are fortunate because they have been able to rely on each other for support for the past 42 years.

For many couples, financial struggles can be so stressful that they lead to divorce. With the current economic downturn, more couples with marriage problems stemming from financial difficulties are seeing local marital counselors.

Perhaps the counseling is working, because divorces are down statewide and appear to be holding steady locally even while the population has increased.

The number of divorces in Illinois per 1,000 people has decreased to about 2.6 in 2005 from 3.3 in 1999, according to the most current data available from the National Center for Health Statistics.

In McHenry County, the number of marriages dissolved in court has stayed fairly stable at about 1,200 a year for the past decade, according to court statistics.

But marriage and family therapist Dan Blair of Blair Counseling in Crystal Lake said he had seen an increase in the number of clients with marriage problems revolving around finances since the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks.

"I have found that money is often the straw that breaks the camel's back," Blair said. "Even more so now, I'm finding that it puts a wedge between husband and wife."

Often, the primary wage earner feels the financial burden and overworks, Blair said. The other spouse is left to take care of the home or get a job to help make ends meet. Each spouse becomes distant and resentful of the other, and sometimes spending money becomes an escape, compounding the problem.

The Von Bergens have survived their marriage by supporting each other; diversifying their business to include a country market, school tours, and events like the Fall Fun Fest; and staying optimistic that the economy can get better as quickly as it turned bad, Bobette Von Bergen said.

"You're in [the marriage] for the long run," she said. "It causes strain and you get cranky, but in farming every day can be a turnaround.

"You have to talk and support each other. There were some really down times, but most of the time you can't do a whole lot about it."

Coping in tough times

Recognizing that the economy affects everyone is key, said Michele Weiner-Davis, founder of divorcebusting.com and director of the Divorce Busting Centers in Woodstock and Boulder, Colo.

"Not enough couples recognize that they're victim to the poor economy like everybody else," Weiner-Davis said in a phone interview from Boulder.

She offered three pieces of advice to couples struggling with marriage and their finances.

First, recognize that everyone else is stressed out for the same reasons, and your financial problems are not necessarily related to something your spouse has done.

Secondly, if you and your spouse have different ideas about how to handle the finances, try to understand your partner's point of view.

And finally, if you can't solve the problems alone, get help from a counselor.

"I am a very firm believer that marriage can really tolerate many things going wrong as long as couples have a platform to be able to discuss it, negotiate about it, collaborate and be empathetic," Weiner-Davis said.

"As long as people can do that, their marriage will survive. When there's no way to communicate so all they're doing is fighting and blaming each other, that's what really puts marriage at risk of divorce."

Blair said he had recommended that spouses schedule time to be together, set spending limits in different categories, and divide home chores to help foster a sense of partnership in the home.

Not just finances

Gunnar Gitlin, a divorce attorney in Woodstock, said financial problems usually were a symptom of other problems in the marriage, and he didn't see an increase in divorces as a result of the poor economy.

"Divorce tends to be generally unaffected by economy swings," he said. "People get divorced in good times because they can afford to and in bad times because there are greater financial pressures."

What was increasing, he said, was the number of couples choosing not to hire lawyers in divorce proceedings to save money or trying to solve all issues in just one court appearance.

But to avoid getting to the point of worrying about the cost of a divorce, licensed clinical psychologist Susan Olesch, who practices in Lake in the Hills and Algonquin, suggested that couples see a financial adviser who can help them get a handle on their money situation and set a budget.

"The majority of people I see stay together," Olesch said. "In a real marriage, nothing breaks it up if you work on it and can get past it. If you want to make it work and you really value the other person, you can make it work."

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