Here are ten signs your marriage is in trouble:
- A wall of resentment has been built brick by brick. Depending on how the spouse handles anger and resentment, that wall is not coming down, so intimate feelings and thoughts will not survive.
- A pattern of negative thinking about the spouse and the relationship is entrenched, so that positive feelings are no longer available.
- Loneliness in the relationship or an inability to have fun with each other. A good adventure can be more bonding than sex.
- Continuous criticism turns into contempt.
- One spouse suffocates another with demands.
- A spouse is continuously on the defense.
- Nearly all of one’s energy is poured into other endeavors besides the relationship.
- Someone special is waiting in the wings, or the thought is “I can do better.”
- No trust = no relationship.
- No external source of hope and commitment, such as God.
Finding repair of major negative events, along with a hope and commitment to God, is key to reap the rewards of a healthy marriage. One can look down the list and see how one step can lead to another, or each may stand alone as a barrier to being the kind of spouse one would like to be in the relationship. Henry Cloud in his book Necessary Endings requires eight conditions for trusting change.
- Involvement in a proven change process that is known to be capable of bringing results.
- There should be a “time and place” structure to the change process. i.e. “I will attend this x every week at x time.”
- New information and knowledge is specified and applied.
- New experiences, skills, and abilities. The “how” and “when” should be specified.
- Self-sustaining motivation, as opposed to being constantly pushed into change.
- The ability to say, “I need some help.”
- A support group to give energy.
- A visible process of change. This does not mean that all is well or done, but that “something” is happening.
Here is a top ten list indicators a marriage can last:
- Resentment itself is attacked, rather than the partner.
- Each partner regularly reviews the positive qualities of the other.
- Each partner guards the time it takes to have fun with the other. “Adventures” are sought.
- Needs are expressed and requested while understanding the other’s needs, rather than criticizing the other.
- Each partner is allowed to disagree, and options are generated versus insisting on one’s own way.
- Each partner is open to meeting the needs of the other.
- Energy is saved just for building the relationship.
- No one is thinking of other options for partners.
- Trust is guarded.
- Commitment itself is high priority.
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The author Dan Blair is a Christian therapist at Blair Counseling and Mediation.