1. Role conflicts. Pastors get asked to do many things above and beyond the job description.
2. Proliferation of activities. New endeavors are started without adequate support for the programs already in place.
3. Administrative duties. Pastors are not necessarily trained in spread sheets.
4. Spiritual dryness. People face deserts in life, but pastors are not expected to be “people.”
5. Perfectionism or inadequacy. Pastors can hold unrealistic standards for themselves.
6. Unrelenting standards. Others can hold unrelenting standards for the pastor.
7. No time to be alone, while feeling alone or lonely. Both can be true.
8. Intrusions on time. The unexpected often occurs at inopportune times.
9. Failure of dreams. Often visions don’t occur as planned.
10. Blocked goals. Attempts at accomplishment are meant with resistance.

In addition, pastors most often use an intrapersonal coping style versus interpersonal coping. Balancing coping strategies means pastors need their own support system. Blair Counseling and Mediation offers wellness checks and personal support for the unique stressors that pastors face at no cost as part of our commitment to the local church. Feel free to call at anytime. Contact information can be found through the link below.

The author Dan Blair is a Christian therapist at Blair Counseling and Mediation.

No wonder numbness takes over and leaves one unable to think. Definitely, for a period of time nothing will help. Don’t try to make the feelings go away during this time and do not try to help others in this way. Grief is so varied that no one knows what it is like for another person.

This psalmist describes his experience this way: “My heart is sick, withered like grass, and I have lost my appetite. I lie awake, lonely as a solitary bird on the roof. My tears run down into my drink because of your anger and wrath. For you have picked me up and thrown me out. My life passes as swiftly as the evening shadows. I am withering away like grass” (Psalms 102: 4, 7, 10, 11). “My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? Why are you so far away when I groan for help? Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer. Every night you hear my voice, but I find no relief” (Psalms 22:1-2). The psalmist then turns to his faith in God for comfort. Instead of seeing God as an absent or passive Deity, he relies on God to be transformed. Nothing is more transforming than pain, for better or for worse.

Is this how God works, complicit with evil, working to make good come out of it? God as portrayed in the Bible is about his thwarted intentions for mankind bestowed with free will and then God’s redemptive purposes. The culmination of God’s love and pain is the sacrifice of his Son, and the Son’s experience of abandonment by the Father. Yet the son chose “not my will, but yours be done” (Luke 22:42).

God’s view of evil is not that it is required to accomplish his purposes. He is truly moved, angered and grieved by evil throughout the Bible. There is no remedy, other than “some day.” What He offers now, through his Spirit and the Church, is his Presence. Will the Church provide solidarity for those who suffer?

The author Dan Blair is a Christian therapist at Blair Counseling and Mediation.

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Many of the around fifty percent of adults who are not married, would like to get married, but are postponing it. When couples live together before marriage, either they are aiming at commitment, with marriage as a future option, or they fear commitment due to personal or economical reasons. Those who are postponing marriage for economical reasons are waiting for greater financial stability. The lower your income, the less likely you’ll opt for marriage. Currently, there are more single parents and kids born out of wedlock than ever.

Some couples that live together before marriage will never commit, and some eventually commit because that’s the expectation, not necessarily a wish. Marrying out of expectation is a risk for divorce. People think that compatibility is the greatest factor in marital satisfaction, but commitment is the greatest determinant of a lasting marriage. Couples that involve themselves in spiritual practices more than four times a week have a divorce rate less than one percent. Another aspect to consider is that those who live together without commitment have higher rates of depression, addiction and aggression. If there are kids involved, there are often more problems with the kids. Another growing segment experiencing such problems is those that live together after divorce.

The following are extracts of an article from the Northwest Herald in McHenry County:

By HILARY GOWINS – hgowins@shawmedia.com:

To Tie or Not to Tie (the Knot)

To have and to hold. For better or worse. For richer or poorer. In sickness and in health. To love and to cherish. Until death do us part.

In a day when the wedding industry brings in billions of dollars each year and love and commitment have come to be symbolized by the size of a diamond or the price of a dress, these simple, sacred vows can get lost.

It’s easy to stick to a promise when times are good. It’s the sicker and poorer parts that test the strength of a couple’s commitment.

Penny and Ken Schwall of McHenry know what it means to endure those tests. They have faced the joys and struggles of parenthood and both have lost jobs, but what happened 2 1⁄2 years ago changed their lives forever.

Ken Schwall had to move into a Barringtonnursing home after being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis at age 36, on top of two other lifelong birth defects in his spine.

Now both in their 50s, the Schwalls are living separately – he in the nursing home and she with their two adult daughters in the family’s McHenry home.

“What I tease about now is that we’ve had every test of our wedding vows,” Schwall said. “There are times when it seems easier just to walk away – it’s the till death do us part’ thing you always come back to.”

Times weren’t always so difficult for the couple. Penny Schwall still remembers the feeling she got when she first met Ken, how they dated for three years before getting married. Their parents are now dead, but Penny remembers that they set an example of staying together.

“Wedding vows should be a sacred commitment and taken seriously,” she said. “We didn’t live together or anything beforehand; we waited till we got married. That’s really been one of the first and foremost things, taking it seriously. Marriage was very important to us as far as being together and having a family.”

———-

“Trends all around the United States seem to show that this is what’s happening – there are fewer marriages and more people residing together,” said Sara Busche, an attorney with Gitlin, Busche and Stetler in Woodstock. “A lot of the time, this is a way people cut costs. The law has to catch up to try to address issues when these breakups occur later, though. Because when you live together with someone for a long time and acquire assets together, there’s no law that addresses how that’s handled with unmarried people.”

The ways in which arrangements such as this affect individual relationships can’t be described in uniform terms. However, the Rev. Ken Gibson of Grace Lutheran Church in Woodstock said that there are dangers that come when couples decide to cohabitate before marriage.

“A lot of young people are looking through some rose-colored glasses and don’t get where they’re at in life,” he said. “There is some danger in it because they haven’t done the work. It’s a convenience.”

Gibson said his church provides counseling before big steps such as marriage and combining households, which help couples prepare for their life together by helping them figure out what to expect.

“What I tell my young people is, ‘You’re coming in talking about a wedding, I’m talking about a marriage,’ ” he said. “A wedding is one day – a marriage is a much longer commitment.”

———-

The faces of those deciding to end their marriages are changing, as well, Busche said.

“There’s no typical or mean age for divorce, but lately I’ve noticed there are a lot of people coming in who are older, who had long-term marriages,” she said. “Their children are gone and they’re deciding the marriage is dead.”

When Busche joined the firm nine years ago, she typically saw people coming in after their “seven-year itch,” she said. Now the crumbling of 17- to 23-year marriages is much more prevalent.

“When they got married the idea was that there’s no such thing as a divorce, but now it’s more accepted,” Busche said.

Gibson sees a different story in the younger generation, although he doesn’t have exact numbers. For the three years he’s been at the church, he says the number of marriages he performs has been going up.

“Our young people seem to be excited about the institution of it all and the commitment,” he said. “A lot of them are getting married older and they seem much more in tune with life and its realities.”

He said he can’t remember the last time he performed the marriage of a young couple, meaning those ages 18 to their young 20s. The couples he sees are at least in their late 20s or early 30s, Gibson said.

In the end, whether a couple is old or young, rich or poor, rushing into things or taking their time, nothing is certain. Ken and Penny Schwall met before either had turned 20 and married three years later.

“I say all the time, not only to our kids, but to friends and family, I’d rather be a light in a dark place,” Penny Schwall said. “Our big thing is … taking those vows seriously and knowing that it’s a commitment we made before God.”

The challenge comes in the form of one’s personal faith in the means of God’s acceptance. Can you believe?

• Sin is strengthened by law (1 Cor. 15:56)
• The gift of righteousness (Rom. 5:17)
• No condemnation (Rom. 8:1)
• Sin loses its hold (Rom. 6:14)
• Jesus is the mediator (1 John 2:1)
• Those struggling have forgotten their sins are gone (1 Peter 1:9)

Time and again Jesus expressed anger toward religious people who focused on their own works. One example is depicted in Grace over Judgment. Jesus also pointed out the inadequacy of justification by human effort when the the rich young ruler asked him what else he can do (Luke 18:18-23). The rich young ruler walked away. In the next chapter, Jesus responded to Zacchaeus with grace, and Zacchaeus changed his life. Paul is also consistent when he wrote to the Galatians, who were also focused on their own works, ” Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?” (Gal. 3:3). In contast, Paul wrote to the Corinthians, who were stuck in their ways, “Therefore you do not lack any spiritual gift as you eagerly wait for our Lord Jesus Christ to be revealed. He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God, who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful” (1 Cor. 1:7-8). Viewing oneself as righteous is not self-righteousness; that is evident. Viewing oneself as recipients of grace also does not justify behavior.  But viewing oneself as righteous does change the way one thinks, and thus changes behavior.

“No one who takes refuge in him will be condemned” (Psalms 34:22b).

The author Dan Blair is a Christian therapist at Blair Counseling and Mediation.

Common reasons people over 50 are divorcing include anger issues, abuse, infidelity, and addiction. Many are already divorced, or have waited for the kids to be on their own before making changes. These changes stem from a mid-life crisis, or from postponing personal happiness for so long people find it an appropriate time to divorce. Plus, life expectancies are longer.

Battered by the economy and subject to longer life spans, people are left with little financial cushion. Divorce divides what people have left and taps into insurance and medical expenses, property division (including house, cars, etc.), assets and liabilities, retirement  plans, and business valuations. These have to be split in an equitable way. Divorce also creates a need for additional financial spousal support.

Signs of divorce include the frequency of criticism and defensiveness leading to contempt and refusals to engage in the marriage. Here are ten of the top signs your marriage is headed for trouble.

1. A wall of resentment has been built brick by brick. Depending on how the spouse handles anger and resentment, that wall is not coming down, so intimate feelings and thoughts will not survive. ”A stone is heavy and sand is weighty, but the resentment caused by a fool is even heavier Proverbs 27:3).
2. A pattern of negative thinking about the spouse and the relationship is entrenched, so that positive feelings are no longer available. ”A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day. Stopping her complaints is like trying to stop the wind or trying to hold something with greased hands” (Proverbs 27:15-16). ”It is better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a contentious wife in a lovely home” (Proverbs 21:9).
3. Loneliness in the relationship or an inability to have fun with each other. A good adventure can be more bonding than sex.
4. Continuous criticism turns into contempt.
5. One spouse suffocates another with demands.
6. A spouse is continuously on the defense.
7. Nearly all of one’s energy is poured into other endeavors besides the relationship.
8. Someone special is waiting in the wings, or the thought is “I can do better.”
9. No trust = no relationship.
10. No external source of hope and commitment, such as God.

Finding repair of major negative events, along with a hope and commitment to God, is key to reap the rewards of a healthy marriage. One can look down the list and see how one step can lead to another, or each may stand alone as a barrier to being the kind of spouse one would like to be in the relationship. Henry Cloud in his book Necessary Endings requires eight conditions for trusting change.

1. Involvement in a proven change process that is known to be capable of bringing results.
2. There should be a “time and place” structure to the  change process. i.e. “I will attend this x every week at x time.”
3. New information and knowledge is specified and applied.
4. New experiences, skills, and abilities. The “how” and “when”  should be specified.
5. Self-sustaining motivation, as opposed to being constantly pushed  into change.
6. The ability to say, “I need some help.”
7. A support group to give energy.
8. A visible process of change. This does not mean that all is well or done, but that “something” is happening.

Here is a top ten list indicators a marriage can last:

1. Resentment itself is attacked, rather than the partner.
2. Each partner regularly reviews the positive qualities of the other.
3. Each partner guards the time it takes to have fun with the other. “Adventures” are sought.
4. Needs are expressed and requested while understanding the other’s needs, rather than criticizing the other.
5. Each partner is allowed to disagree, and options are generated versus insisting on one’s own way.
6. Each partner is open to meeting the needs of the other.
7. Energy is saved just for building the relationship.
8. No one is thinking of other options for partners.
9. Trust is guarded.
10. Commitment itself is high priority.

The challenge in saving a marriage is overcoming negative patterns that are entrenched over time. Usually, resentments have left one of the spouses with a loss of interest in the relationship and a belief that their partner will never change. With this belief, promises for a better future are ineffective. If one spouse has lost interest in the marriage and is spending time fantasizing about the possibility of someone else (or is actually spending time with someone else) the marriage has a lower chance of recovery. Giving the disinterested partner space is associated with a better outcome than putting pressure or guilt on the disinterested partner. Instead, make personal changes more in line with the kind of spouse you would like to be. Develop your own identity and self-confidence because those changes give you the best chance at being an attractive partner and will help if divorce is unavoidable. Other considerations to save a marriage include knowing what makes you and your partner feel loved, focusing on what you appreciate about your spouse, and responding to bids for reconnection.

The age of the forties, fifties, and sixties is a time to redefine one’s self after raising kids, settling in a career, or to confront dissatisfaction in life. One’s marriage is often reevaluated during this time. The marriage sinks or swims. Treat your spouse like a best friend, overlook irritations, create excitement in your life and share it with your partner. Create rituals and traditions and support each other’s dreams.

Relationships, especially a marriage, are designed to change you for the better. It is to make you “holy” and “happy,” but “holy” might come first.  ”As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend (Proverbs 27:17). “For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her” (Eph. 5:25).

For recovery from affairs, check out these workbooks:

The author Dan Blair is a Christian therapist at Blair Counseling and Mediation.

Avoidant attachment is reinforced from parental messages that emotions are not important in a child’s self-identity and in making decisions. Thus, the child (and as an adult) may feel like he or she does not really matter. An avoidant person may even believe that emotions steer one into danger or disaster and are not to be trusted. So emotions are left out of daily interactions. It may be hard to comfort or connect with an avoidant person. A second type of avoidant attachment seeks to please a significant other and downgrade one’s own needs because one can only accept emotions if they are not opposed by the significant other. This is a co-dependent relationship.

Ambivalent attachment patterns are derived from close connections that are not stable. The parent could be hot or cold. When cold, the parent may be preoccupied; it does not mean that the parent’s love wavers. So fear may develop associated with closeness and connection, because the closeness and connection could be lost. The child or adult in this case may crave intimacy but not want to ask for it because of fear that it could be lost. If intimacy does happen, this person may eventually find it stifling. The child or adult may then experience anger and would distance from the significant other, but then fear would overtake from being alone. The pattern then becomes hot pursuit, but then cold distancing.

Disorganized or dysregulated attachment patterns stem from parents who are ruled by the “fight or flight” autonomic nervous system. Parents tend to be aggressive or controlling, stemming from fear. On the other hand, parents could be overwhelmed or a victim, again stemming from fear.

Secure attachments are stable patterns but do not have to be perfect. They stem from a parent’s capacity at a particular place and time to recognize and value the emotions of a child or connect with what the child is doing. When the child comes to the parent, the parent in effect says to the child that the child is okay even when the child or parent is having negative emotions. The child is allowed to be separate from the parent, with the child’s own set of valid emotions and self-confidence that comes from faith. The concept of grace found in Christianity opens up a growth process that does not depend on performance to gain acceptance by God, and thus creating the capacity for a responsiveness to God.

The author Dan Blair is a Christian therapist at Blair Counseling and Mediation.

Research shows that there is a direct correlation between conflict and attendance: the more conflict a church has the fewer people remain in attendance. To address this growing problem churches need an in-house system which conveys to its members that the church is able and willing to gracefully and effectively address disputes as they emerge, for the good of all. One such program based on a Biblical model is the Judeo-Christian Model of Peacemaking developed by Dr. Ken Newberger. Its application in local congregations is detailed in his book entitled, Hope in the Face of Conflict. This practical step-by-step process looks to the pattern God used to make peace with us. It is based on love as the first foundation, justice the second, with reconciliation the goal and mediation the means.

If you are a pastor or church leader, feel free to view a 6 minute PowerPoint overview presentation at: resolvechurchconflict.com

To learn more, please contact Dan Blair at Blair Counseling and Mediation. or Dr. Kenneth Newberger at resolvechurchconflict.com.

Mediation Practices for Families
For families devoted to a biblical process to resolve conflict but torn asunder by unresolved issues, family mediation is recommended using the 12-step process of reconciliation described in the book Hope in the Face of Conflict by Dr. Kenneth C. Newberger.

The same emotion can either be positive or negative in the Bible. The Bible may command an emotion in one place and prohibit it in another depending on the context. For example, “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” (Ephesians 4:26). Sorrow has its place but also has limits. Likewise, fear is appropriate in particular circumstances but a state of prolonged fear becomes problematic. The direction to not fear is one of the most common proscriptions in the Bible. You could read one reference a day for over a year!

Emotions are signals and send messages that are sometimes misread. In that case the signal gets stuck and the emotion is prolonged excessively. If warning signals on the dashboard continue to light up one may develop anxiety about “driving,” especially if the signals represent danger. Some may cover the dashboard, avoid feeling, and make some reckless decisions. Others may learn to devalue the signals. Still others may overanalyze the signal.

Signals to be properly interpreted need to be felt without fear. God provides a healthy option otherwise not available: “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7). Christ has come to “bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners.” Like a parent who grabs a child from falling, Christ is saying, “I got you!” Even when we can’t see light at the end of the tunnel, Christ is saying, “I got you!” “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you (Isaiah 43:2).

The author Dan Blair is a Christian therapist at Blair Counseling and Mediation.

1. Gratitude. A renewing of reasons to feel thankful.
2. Optimism where good comes from bad.
3. Random acts of kindness and organized movements to relieve suffering.
4. Ongoing positive relationships.
5. Strategies for coping; making meaning out of difficulty.
6. Full forgiveness and the freedom it gives.
7. Reducing over thinking and social comparison.
8. Stress management.
9. Lasting accomplishments.
10. Great retirement plan.

We all worship something or someone. Christians worship a God who is more than a personal crutch; He is a stretcher that carries us. “I have swept away your sins like a cloud. I have scattered your offenses like the morning mist. Oh, return to me, for I have paid the price to set you free” (Isaiah 44:22). The belief is based on the historical Jesus, the one rejected and crucified, with his followers swept away and scattered. How this man in such a short time transformed his fearful followers to men and women going to their deaths for their beliefs, to an ever strengthening movement 2000 years later is challenging to explain. For most though, people remain unconvinced until they see God working in their own lives, through prayer, Bible reading, and church attendance.

For more information on the reliability of the Bible see this short article.

The author Dan Blair is a Christian therapist at Blair Counseling and Mediation.

Seeing the impact of one’s behavior on another may differ from the intent of one’s actions, but denying the outcome is still a denial (1 John 1:8). The Bible describes repentance as a knowledge of truth (2 Timothy 2:25-26). Understanding the full impact of one’s actions requires compassion and patient excavation of the hurt person’s experience and emotion. Only that person can say when he or she feels understood.

Healthy frustration and sorrow over one’s actions sets the stage for legitimate change. The Bible distinguishes between sorrow that leads to valuable change and sorrow that destroys. Paul writes, “For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death” (1 Corinthians 7:9-10). Sorrow without change leads to depression, anxiety and addictions.

The first fruit of change is planning change. “Produce fruit in keeping with repentance” (Matthew 3:8). What internal changes are needed to make long-lasting external change? Producing fruit requires growth and learning to fully understand the emotions that drive unhealthy outcomes. An honest look at these “unacceptable” feelings requires a relationship that can accept those feelings and one’s failures so that the usual patterns of avoidance are disrupted. This is called grace, and is the only way to grow. Otherwise, instead of pruning and growing, one cuts down the tree. (The Bible uses this metaphor for judgment).

Finally, repentance is proven by change (Acts 26:20). It is making agreements and building trust by keeping those agreements. The Bible says let your “yes” be “yes” and “no” be “no” so that honest agreements will be kept (Matthew 5:37). A covenant represents honest intentions for a renewed relationship. “Come now, let’s make a covenant, you and I, and let it serve as a witness between us” (Genesis 31:44).

While humans continue to fail, remorse and grace can lead to reconciliation by caring about the impact of one’s behavior, making personal changes that lead to lasting changes, and re-working honest agreements for the future. “Though the mountains be shaken, and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you (Isaiah 54:10). God is able to forgive and reconcile based on repentance simultaneously, while we may have to separate the two processes.

The author Dan Blair is a Christian therapist at Blair Counseling and Mediation.